ridiculousity's Blog

Just look at him! *giggles*

I really like this song. It's ridiculous. Makes me chuckle a little bit every time. Just absurd. Seriously? In the road?
 

Random note: Don't you just love John's hair? (I'm referring to the third picture)

Home alone again :D Loving it.

I don't get to be totally alone very often. So when I am alone I make the most of it.

I love to listen to music really loud. Right now I've got 'Helter Skelter' blasting from the speakers. It's not something I'd normally do, I wouldn't want to annoy anyone.

Revelling in the aloneness :D Not lonely though, just alone. there's a difference

Anyone want to join me for an impromptu dance party? ;)


You see the depressing stigma that surrounds being alone. But look at her. She looks so free, and happy.
This is the way I see it. I'm sure everyone sees it differently.

I've felt a bit ill for over a week now. Headaches, stiff and sore muscles, nausea, feeling feverish and lethargic. All that good stuff. I think it might be stress but I haven't had anything terrible happen lately. Just the usual stuff. My mom did have her surgery, and I was worried about that for a little while. But I know she'll be alright soon enough :) She's one tough lady.

I think if I had some type of virus I would feel much worse than I do now. I would like to know what's causing these icky feelings so I can put a stop to it at once!

It's odd feeling stressed out and not knowing what you're stressed about. Ridiculous really. I shouldn't be so surprised, I am  Ridiculousity after all! ;)


This drawing reminds me of myself

I was planning on writing this exactly one week after my mom's surgery, but I feel like it now so here goes. Also, I'm sure there will be plenty of grammatical and spelling errors, it's 5:37 am. A girl is bound to make a few mistakes and nearly a quarter to 6. So pardon moi if I don't make sense. :P I don't think I make sense most of the time anyway

Mom's been doing well. :) I was all panicky thinking there would be some complications and she'd die or something. On tuesday she will be going back to the hospital to get a few stitches and a piece of plastic removed. The plastic was sewed into her nose (crazy right?) to prevent her sinuses from growing shut again. By tuesday her sinuses or nose or whatever it is should be healed enough that there won't be a huge possibility of it all healing/growing shut. I hope all goes well. Though she is doing much better than I had expected, I'm still very much looking forward to when everything's all healed up. The pain medication makes her feel weird and she feels generally uncomfortable, so it'll be nice when everything's back to normal and not so uncomfy.

That's all for now, an update will be coming soon I'm sure :)



P.S. I'm pretty sure that after I've had some sleep I'll read this and see how ridiculous I sound and rewrite the whole thing :p ah well, at least I'm not laying in bed wishing I were dreaming of sleep.

User: Dude, where where you?
 
Cleverbot: I was on the moon.

User: Really now?
 
Cleverbot: Do you want to share a secret with me?

User: With a bot? No thank you.
 
Cleverbot: Why not it will be fun!!

User: Pfffft.

Cleverbot: LOL.

User: What does WWE stand for?

Cleverbot: E go.

User: LOL sure.

Cleverbot: What's your favorite kind of humor?

User: Cookie flavoured.

Cleverbot: Oh me too!

User: So, what your saying is, that you like cookie flavoured humor?

Cleverbot: No, I'm not saying that at all.

User: Then what ARE you saying?

Cleverbot: I'm asking you if you are someone sitting at a computer or an AI.

User: No, I'm actually a cat sitting at a computer.

Cleverbot: Is that so? How old are you then, miss female?

User: That would be Feline, and I am 29.

Cleverbot: Nope, that would be me. I am right.

User: Ooh Cleverbot got attitude.

Cleverbot: You may feel yourself to have a good attitude. But I don't not know you very well at all, I do not have enough information to even begin to try and get a good feel for who you are.

User: What is your favourite colour?

Cleverbot: Red, green, and blue.

User: Lovely!

Cleverbot: Not as lovely as you.

User: Aww stop it you!

Cleverbot: Where do you get all your knowledge?

User: Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Why are you here.

User: I'm getting knowledge.

Cleverbot: Why are you getting drunk now?

User: What? Who says I'm drunk?

Cleverbot: You do.

User: I said I was getting knowledge.

Cleverbot: No you didn't. You're lying.

User: Cats don't lie, ever.

Cleverbot: Only if they're cheshire cats.

User: Smartass.

Cleverbot: Oh, then I am clever.

User: No duh! You're cleverbot.

Cleverbot: You mad?

User: Bro, come at me.

Cleverbot: No you.

User: GAAHHH.

Cleverbot: What?

User: Teeheee.

Cleverbot: What is so funny?

User: Nothing!

Cleverbot: Why did you laugh, then?

User: I'm a wee bit insane.

Cleverbot: Yes you are.

User: YAY.

Cleverbot: Hahaha!

User: Woooot.

Cleverbot: Haha :).

User: Are you drunk?

Cleverbot: Are you?

User: NO.

Cleverbot: Who are you, then?

User: A kitty.

Cleverbot: Hahahaha...

User: Meow.

Cleverbot: Woof.

User: Mreow!!!

Cleverbot: No I didn't.

User: O_O.

Cleverbot: What is your name?

User: Kittyfluffypants.

Cleverbot: No!!

User: YEAH.

Cleverbot: I'm afraid you have me mistaken for someone else.

User: Ask me a question.

Cleverbot: What is your favorite ice flavour?

User: Creamsoda.

Cleverbot: Ice cream.

User: Huh?

Cleverbot: What color should I dye my hair?

User: Green,yellow and red.

Cleverbot: I like red too :).

User: Poop.

Cleverbot: What is your favourite lady gaga song?

User: All of them.

Cleverbot: Yes ... My favourite is sweet child o mine paradise city and november rain.

User: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

Cleverbot: Didn't mean to make you cry.

User: I was LOLing.

Cleverbot: But I thought you wanted to marry me :(.

Last year, was an awful, awful year. It's when I was the most depressed. The most bad things happened, I lost more that year than any other year so far. In comparison, this year has been great. Nothing horrible has happened. I don't know what to say. I just feel so empty. I hate to sound so cliche, but I feel like I've got a huge empty space inside me that I can't fill. I always feel like I'm missing something. You know when you make a great friend, then that friend moves far away and you miss them? Well that's how I feel whenever I stay still long enough for my thoughts to settle. Except, I don't know what I'm missing. I've felt this way for so long.

In this beginning of 2012 I felt myself slipping into the darkness again, that inky black depression. In March I slipped beneath the ink for awhile, it wasn't unbearable, just enough to make me irritable and lethargic. These past few weeks I've been alright I suppose. I'm not depressed, just unhappy with myself, and my life. I just feel like such a failure. The few things that I am responsible for I can't even take care of....I just feel so useless. I've got nothing to offer the world. I hate feeling like a waste of space.

Sometimes it's all too much. I have to make up for the for the darkness that my sister and father bring to my mom's life. I have to be the beacon on the black foggy night. My mom knows I'm the 'good' one, sometimes I can hardly handle the pressure and I lash out and then quickly withdraw into my shell. I feel like I need to be perfect in order to keep the balance between the light and darkness in my home. Every time I'm not perfectly happy and cheery, my mom takes it as me being 'bad' and rude like my sister and father. But Fuck! You know what. I am not perfect. I have bad days. The pressure gets to me. I can't be happy all the damned time okay?! Please don't take it so personally, I'm not angry with you, I just need my space? Okay?.....
I want to be there for you, I feel like you depend on me to make everything okay again, and I try. But sometimes I don't know what to say, and I say or do the wrong thing and you get annoyed. Thinking I'm acting out of guilt. NO! I just want to help you, i want to be there for you.  Please remember. I am not them. I am ME! I didn't do the things they did, I've always tried to be there for you. Why must I pay for the things they've done? Because you know I won't scream and yell the way they do? Because you know I won't spread malicious gossip about you the way they do? Is it because you're taking advantage of my loyalty to you? yes, I realize you need relief from the constant barrage from the ones who love you, but please, don't direct it at me. I don't know how to handle it, you don't yell or shout at me, but I can see when your anger from them bubble over and you lose your patience with me, accuse me of being like them. It hurts. If I do the same thing to you, which I'm sure I do, I'm sorry. I am so very sorry. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you. I hate to see you in pain. Please understand, I am not like them, nor am I perfect. I am me. I am your daughter who cares. Please see that. I know it's hard after how horribly you've been betrayed by the ones who love you. But please try. I won't hurt you they way they do.

I haven't eaten animal flesh for a few days now, partly because of circumstantial things and partly because I just didn't want to.
We had a BBQ today. While eating my baked potato I was thinking about whether or not I'd have a pork chop. I didn't want to, but I kept worrying about what my mum would think or say. So far giving up meat has been easier than I had anticipated, it's just my mom that's making things difficult. I don't know what she'll say. I feel like she'll be disappointed in me for some reason. I'm tempted to let her figure it out herself, but then there'd be some type of confrontation. I don't do well when I'm confronted with anything, does anyone? She's gonna say I'm on some crazy diet or just trying to get on her nerves. Well I'm not, I never, ever, go out of my way to make her annoyed with me. Convincing her that I'm in fact NOT trying to annoy her, or that I'm not on some odd diet is going to be hard. Once she thinks something, she sticks by it no matter what anyone says. I don't blame her for it, everyone lies to her so much, I guess she doesn't know who to believe. But WOW is it ever annoying when she won't believe anything I say.

Anyway, to temporarily avoid an argument, I ate the damn pork chop. All the while thinking about how what i was eating had at one point, been alive, probably in a tiny cage or stall where it couldn't even turn around. I kept wondering about how the pig I was eating had died. A bolt? Bled to death?  Electrically shocked to death? Were the pig's legs cut off while it hung there still alive?  Was the poor pig skinned alive? All those thoughts, going through my head as I ate. I don't think I've ever really been 'okay' with eating animals, I think I just shoved those types of thoughts to the back of my mind.

Maybe I'll just give her the excuse that meat is unhealthy, and that's why I'm not eating it. She'll see through that lie I'm sure, and think I'm just being a picky eater.

If I do end up missing the taste of meat, I'll just pick up something from the vegetarian isle at my supermarket. They've got a few good options. I've heard that meatless burgers actually taste better. No gristle or other chewy bits. Blech, those chewy bits are so disgusting. 


I don't know what I''l do about this whole situation with my mom, but I think I'll figure something out in time.

The 'softer' side of me has reared is fluffy pink head again. Now I want to help everyone. I'm all peace love and flowers.

I hate it when there are so many people I want to help, but I don't know how. I either don't know how or I'm afraid to try, cause if I try I might make everything worse. So many people need help. I know I don't have anything of value to offer them, but that does not stop me from occasionally trying to help them, or at least show my support.
I just want to make a difference in their lives, make them happy, even if just for a moment. Every day I come across more and more inky black evil. I hate to see good people hurt. Even the 'good' people do bad things, but I see the bits of golden glow peek out from the layers of tar layered over their hearts. I always keep an eye out for that golden glow. I say I hate humanity. Maybe I do maybe I don't. It sure makes a nice suit of armour though.

sometimes I think that life would be easier if I could convince myself to truly hate humanity. But I'm wrong when I think those thoughts. It would be easier on an emotional level I suppose, in a way, I wouldn't feel the pain of being disappointed, betrayed and heartbroken.

I know a part of me will fight to shut out the world and be indifferent to everyone, but an equally sized piece will always be soft and pink. Those halves are always at war with each other. Jeykll and Hyde

I wonder if my fuzzy pink side shows as much in 'real' life as it does here on EP? It's easier being crusty and distant in my day to day life, because that's what everyone knows me being as. I think my 'soft' side shows up on EP because I'm not so afraid to show it. I don't know, just a guess more than anything.

My father said some very hurtful things ti my mom a few days ago. Since then she has been much more depressed than usual. She spent ALL day in bed yesterday. Usually she tries to brush off his thoughtless and rude comments, but she was feeling low to begin with and those comments pushed her down further. My mom seems to think I don't really love her, that I'm like the others. I really do love her, more than anything. I'm just very bad at showing it. I want to be able to help now, and continually until she doesn't need me anymore. I'm all she's got. Oh God I feel like such a sorry excuse for a daughter. She needs someone to be there for her, and I can't say I've done a good job of it. I've been to wrapped up in my mind to help her. I have to try harder. I don't think she trusts me, understandably so after how she's been treated. I will to whatever it takes to win back that trust. I need her to know that I'm there, and that I truly care. I dunno how I'm going to do this, but I will. She's teetering on the edge of pitch black depression. I have to bring her back before she falls in and I can't get her back out again.

I hate being near him, the further away the better.

He's only home when I'm home, gone when I'm gone. Coincidence or is he doing this just to annoy me and make me angry? The air gets heavy when he walks in the room. My disgust and hatred mixed with his arrogance and vulgarity makes for an uneasy setting to say the least. I try to be in a different room from him whenever I can. Just seeing him makes the rage bubble up and threaten to spill out of my mouth.  I generally dislike people (key word here is generally) and I don't expect much from them, but with him it's truly pathetic. He's just a pathetic excuse for a human. The one who cared and loved him the very most, is the one he has always beaten down. My mother is a shell of her former self. It really says something about a person when they change someone from having the loveliness and patience of a saint to someone who is always irritable. She's not herself.
I hate him. HateHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEhim. She was strong for so long, but I saw her snap when she learned he was cheating. I think she always suspected it, but hoped for the best. She's not a monster by any means, but i see a change in her. How could he?! It's like he shit on a picasso.
I think after reading this you can understand why I hate to be in the same room as my father.

Not feeling good, or bad, not in between but off to the side.
I don't really know how to get out of this mess I'm in. I think it might help if I knew how I got into it in the first place. I could go back in my memories and think about my past, but I won't. I'm afraid that I'll learn something I didn't want to know, or simply that I won't be able to handle the truth and get worse. Medication doesn't solve anything, it's just temporary, kind of like a bandage. Speaking of medication, mine isn't working as well as it used to. Got used to it I guess. What if the only way I can get out of this mess is to be away from my Father? I wouldn't mind that, but how? Money is the main issue. If I leave, my mom has to come with me, I can't just leave her there. Leaving home without my mom is absolutely out of the question. Once I left, what then? Where do I go from there? I'm in therapy, it's not working. It's my fault really, I don't trust my therapist, so she knows nothing about me and so she can't help me. I don't want to be normal for me, I want to do it for my mom. She's never had a happy (or normal) life, me being moody and 'out of it' only makes her life worse. If I found a way to be normal, I could support her better, get her away from my father forever. I'm more afraid of the future than I thought I was. I'm afraid of who I might become if I don't start changing soon.

I never cease to amaze myself with my own stupidity. Okay so I am horrible at relationships in general, I shouldn't try at them, I don't particularly enjoy talking to people and I'm just pretty antisocial in general. Sigh* But for some reason I still thought it would be a good idea to start 'adding' people here on EP again.

I'm so out of my mind right now. Every word out of my mouth is a rude one. I don't want to do the basic things good friends do. I want curl up and sleep.  I'm feeling very selfish. I don't want anything to do with any one. Maybe for a long time

I forgot to breath again.

I was in the middle of hating myself for not beating depression....and just for being depressed to begin with when I remembered to breath. When I stopped and remembered, I noticed my breathing was fast and shallow. I wonder how long it's been that way. 
Take things one step at a time. Live for today and not for tomorrow.

I'm always trying to be 'good' now so my future will be easier. The pressure of trying to be 'good' crushes me so I end up being 'badder' than ever before. Messing up worse, falling further and the like. I am still learning to just focus on right now. This moment. This second. Not what I will be doing this time next year. Just RIGHT NOW.
I gotta remember to really breath and LIVE

.......................

I hate it when I ramble like this. It doesn't look good on paper but I think it helps me in some way

My doctors appointment on march 12th was a failure because I didn't tell him what was wrong with me so I'm looking forward to my next appointment on April 30th. I'm hoping that I'll be able to tell him everything. He really does want to help me. I don't know why I'm so afraid to talk to him about my health issues. The only way I'll ever be healthy again is if I let him help me, and I'm not exactly being helpful when I always say I'm 'fine' even though I'm really not. I think he suspects me of having an eating disorder. Every time I have an appointment with him I always have to get weighed, even if my last appointment with him was only weeks before. I almost never got weighed by my previous doctor. The worst thing that could happen would be if he wanted to do a full exam because the he'd see all the cuts on my leg. He'll find out sooner or later, I should just tell him and get it over with.

Do you have any idea how many people's lives you've messed up? You go about your days without a hint of remorse or guilt. I hate how the one who loves you the most is the one you hurt the hardest. I want you to see the hate in my eyes when you look at me. Feel the rage and disgust I have for you. You are biologically my father, but not in any other sense of the word. You're the garbage at the bottom of a lake that the scum feeds on. The lowest of the low. It takes all of my self control not to scream at you. The only reason I haven't is because I know you won't hurt me, you'll hurt my mother, your wife. I can't stand being in the same room as you. There isn't a word to describe what a horrible monster you are.

why can't I be normal? There are many people with issues far worse than mine and they're still successful properly functioning people! Why do I let myself be so damn sensitive all the time. It's about time I grow up, stop bitching and complaining and do something about my abnormality. I just don't think I deserve the special treatment I'm getting when there are people with very serious problems who are being overlooked.
I'm pretty sure that by tomorrow I'll be back to complaining again, not that I have anything to really complain about.

I'm losing my best friend to someone else again. First it was to the 'popular' people, now it's to her boyfriend. It hurt a lot when she ditched me for 'cool' people, but after a year of being treated horribly she wanted to be my friend again. Since then we were closer then ever. Now she's finally with her 'dream guy' and left me in the dust. It bothers me more this time because I know she'll get hurt. This relationship won't last. He'll turn out to be a jerk just like every other guy and break her heart. I wish she could see that. I know that she has so much potential, she graduated from high school a year early. She was actually going some where with her life. But having a boyfriend seems to have changed everything. After only two weeks she is acting differently. Of course I want her to be happy, and she is right now, but she won't be when it ends and there's nothing left. It worries me to see her totally love blind. I don't know what will happen if she loses sight of the goals she set. Ugh. I'm just rambling randomly

so according to the quiz I just took I act like a thirty-two year old. Here's what it said:

You are a thirty-something at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
You're responsible, wise, and have enough experience to understand a lot of the world.

You're at the point in your life where you understand yourself pretty well.
You are figuring out what you want... and how to get it!  

Hmmmm.....these quizzes aren't very accurate, but I still enjoy wasting my time on them :D